How can you care so much about a person you should hate?
Normally, I wouldn’t really write about this kind of thing, but recently, I have been troubled by the mistakes of my past. I suppose I should probably start from the beginning.
In October of my freshman year of high school, which would have been 2015, my class received a new student. For identity protection purposes, I will henceforth refer to him as Rubik. I chose this term because he is like a Rubik’s cube, he is complicated and I can never figure him out. Also, because he pisses me off quite a bit.
When he first walked in, he seemed like and arrogant attention seeker. I inferred from his clothing choice and attitude towards people that he couldn’t care less about what people thought about him. My fist impression of him, to say the least, was not a good one. He by no means seemed like a person I would ever hang out with, so I didn’t pay much attention to him at first.
In early November, however, I was subjected to hang out with a few people he normally talked to. I should probably mention that I go to a very small school. My entire sophomore class this year includes about 22 people. That being said, you don’t get many options of whom to hang out with. On that day, all of my usual friends were gone for one reason or another, so I had to choose to either be by myself all day or hang out with people I don’t normally socialize with. Of course, I chose the latter, and that is when I actually met him.
He was different from how I had originally perceived him. I mean, yeah, he was quite arrogant and he was a class clown, so I wasn’t wrong, but it seemed like there was a lot more to him than I had first assumed. Eventually, we started talking and we actually became quite good friends. I found out that he lived quite close to me and that he was on the same bus as me. By random acts of fate , or whatever you want to call it, he ended up getting moved next to me in our science class and computers, and he joined the archery team with me. There were countless days that we stayed after school just talking, and I noticed I was laughing more than I had in a long time. We would text for half the night and share music and videos with each other. At this point, he was the closest I’d ever gotten to having a best friend. I trusted him with almost everything I had. This is where I made my big mistake: I fell for him.
I should mention that I had never really been interested in relationships before this point. In fact, I never really thought about them apart from my friends’ and ones I had read about in books. I always knew that I had more important things in life to worry about. That is why this whole thing felt like a shock. Also, we had only know each other for about two months, so how could I have those feelings for someone I hardly knew? I suppose, I had felt like I had known him my whole life. That’s why I said yes when he asked me out the day after Christmas. I was really happy, but I was also terrified. If I am being entirely honest, I spent the rest of Christmas break trying to find a way or excuse to break up with him. In the end, I decided I would just let it run its course and just enjoy it while it lasts, but I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Well, you can guess exactly what happened. I knew our relationship wouldn’t last very long, but I thought it would last longer than 2 weeks. TWO FREAKIN WEEKS. Why did he even bother dating me if he would break up with me that soon?
I was actually kind of received that he broke up with me, but I had hopped everything would go back to normal, but of course that would be too much for me to ask. He decided he wouldn’t talk to me for over three months, and I still don’t know exactly why. He would avoid me at all costs, and that just broke my heart because I would have been willing to forget anything ever happened and go back to normal, which I tried to do, but he refused to cooperate.
I had to endure seeing him with his new 7th grade girlfriends (Ha, I know, right?) in the hall. When he finally started talking to me again, it seemed like the subject was always about his new girlfriend. I tried so hard to be a good friend and help him through his situations, but the worst part was that months later, he told me he never really liked those girls, he just dated them out of pitty, basically.
The school year ended, and along came summer. I spent the majority of the summer at a college prep camp at the local college. It was really fun, actually. Anyways, he decided he wanted to start talking to me often again. He would text me all the time. Here is where my second mistake comes in. I should have jsut let him be, right? No. Of course, I would text him back even if it was 2 am and I had to get up early in the morning. I missed him, I really did, so of course I was going to take this opportunity to become his friend again. Our bond grew strong over that 2 or 3 month span, but it was neer quite as strong as it had been. However, I was just happy to have my best friend back.
When summer ended, school started, and I was really glad to start school. My friend, Churro, who had previously done online school, decided to come back to the same school as me. I am really glad she did, but in a way it created a problem. I was so glad to have Rubik back in my life, however he had found a new attraction for Churro. That really pissed me off. It was by no means Churro’s fault. In fact, she really didn’t like him, and she hates the idea of love and dating, but you can understand how that would make me feel. Anyways, despite him flirting with my friends, I realized how much I missed him.
A couple weeks into the school year, Rubik asked me out again. Every ounce of moral in my body was telling me to say no. I knew what happened last time. It made me miserable and things hadn’t been the same since, but I wanted him back. I made him promise that he would quit flirting with my friends and that he would disregard any fling in his life. He told me that I was the best it gets and that he honestly loved me and that he had made a big mistake when he broke up with me. He swore that if we broke up he would not ignore me and that things would go back to the way they were. The worst part was that I belived him. After all the pain and suffering he put me through, I still wanted him and I to be an us. I know, I know, I’m a complete and total idiot, but I really really cared about him and people do stupid things when they think they are in love.
This time we dated for, like, a month in a half. Surprisingly, I was really happy about dating him at the time. However, I soon realized that he was a lot different with our relationship this time around. He was not very affectionate towards me at all. He wouldn’t even hug me, for cryin’ out loud. If anyone saw us, they would probably think we were either good friends or relatives, but probably not a couple. He seemed a lot more moody as well, he would get pissed off because of the smallest things or he would randomly get really sad, but he would never talk to me about it. I tried helping him, but he would always push me away or he would make up excuses to not tell me or he would simply walk away or ignore me. I tried to respect his choices, but it was really hard for me to stand back and watch him be like that. When he wasn’t moody, he didn’t pay much attention to me anyway unless I was either really sad or my friends made him talk to me. That is not how a relationship should be. I tried so hard to hold our relationship together, but in the end, it was not enough to make him stay. He, of course, broke up with me. He claimed he broke up with me for many reasons, one of which was that he had a lot going on in his life right now and he didn’t have the time, patience, or energy for a relationship right now.
The first couple of days was hard for me, he wouldn’t really talk to me all that much, but eventually we fixed things and I think we were actually doing pretty well, that is until he started dating an 8th grader a little over a week after he broke up with me. That really upset me for a couple reasons. 1) because his excuse for breaking up with me is that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now. 2) because the topic of this girl came up a few times while we were dating and he had promised me that he actually didn’t like her and he would especially never like her in that way. I eventually found out that a lot of the time he said he was “too busy” to talk to me, he was actually texting her.
I knew he would date other people after me, that is common knowledge, but it was the fact that he had promised he didn’t like her and that he didn’t even wait two weeks after breaking up with me to start dating her. It was quite horrible for me after this though, because you know how I mentioned he wasn’t affectionate towards me? Well they would be constantly flirting, hugging, and even kissing in the hallway. An 8th grader and a sophomore?! I think that was a bit ridiculous. Anyways, I was always accepting of him not being affectionate, but then he turned around and woul be affectionate towards her?! Then, she was always trying to start crap with me, thinking that I was always tring to get Rubik back. I didn’t want him back, he had broken my heart twice, therefore, I had learned my lesson. I don’t appreciate underclassman talking crap about me on snapchat and instagram when I had been nothing but nice to her. Of course, I tried to get Rubik to get her to stop, but he would always side with her and then get pissed off at me.
I tried to fix things between me and her, even though I had done nothing, but she wouldn’t cooperate. Then, she tried to get me in trouble at school. This is where I drew the line. I am the top of my class with a perfect permanent record. I was not willing to ruin this because of an ex-boyfriend who was starting to piss me off. He kept trying to talk to me, but I essentially told him that as long as he was dating her I wanted nothing to do with him. I felt ad and It kind of destroyed me emotionally, but I knew it was for the best.
Just after New Years, he broke up with her, but as always, things have yet to go back to the way they used to be…..